Four weeks ago my daughter was killed in a
tragic car accident. Four weeks ago, Saturday 31st May 2014. She was
twelve. My brother has long been a Jimmy Buffett fan, and I can recall him
singing “Come Monday it’ll be all right”. Well, this Monday it's not all right.
In fact, it’s easy to feel that everything
is wrong this Monday. No more Abi. No more bouncing in to our office after school, all blonde
hair, big smile, tales of her day. No more snuggling in bed, smooth warm skin
and sticky-out shoulder blades. No more nothing.
Alongside her was one of her best friends,
Ella, and Ella’s mother, Sally - also a dear, dear friend of mine. They died
too; killed instantly in a moment of motorized madness. Sally and I had been
friends for eight or nine years, meeting just before the girls started primary
school. She was one of the most creative, clever, loyal, loving friends a woman
could ever hope for. We helped each other get through the drudgery of midlife,
punctuating it with… well, better moments – some hedonistic, some more mindful, many
of them spent outdoors, enjoying the gifts our natural world has to offer. Scrolling
through our recent text exchanges, I see frequent reminders of how we supported
each other’s quest to get more out of life.
Following a text describing my decision to
get up early on the weekend to take part in a run a couple of hours
drive away, she replied:
So, dear Sally, Ella, and our own little Abi,
here, instead of a book, is the blog I dedicate to the three of you: rants and research about getting more out of life. Inspired in part by the Mary Wilson poem you introduced me to last summer which urges us to consider, “What is it you plan to do with your one
wild and precious life?” Your lives were wild, the memories so precious. In
the months and years to come, as I am forced to forge on without you by my
side, I plan to incorporate my experience as an academic researcher in the field of wellbeing and
resilience science (oh the irony) to explore what it is to live well, and squeeze as much as we can out of our wild and precious lives.
Hi Lucy Immy here,
ReplyDeletethis blog is wonderful and i love the name. It was lovely to spend time with you yesterday and i hope we can do it another time soon. If you ever need any any company or someone to talk to im always here xx
My wild and precious sister : I am acutely aware at the moment of how very precious you are. The wild may be absent for the time being, but we will remember to work on that. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm here with you on this journey.
ReplyDeleteYours in sisu.
Emilia <3
Hello. I've saved your link to my Task bar - so that now, along with Facebook, hotmail and google, I have a tab asking me what I am going to do with my wild and precious life. Thank you Lucy. BIG love - Jess X
ReplyDeleteI am very interested in this topic. What is it that makes some of us make the most of everything while others are frozen in the grip of inertia? How do we take the first step to follow our dreams?
ReplyDeleteDearest Lucy, Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. Your strength is truly inspiring. Even though I do not no you on a really personal level you have always taken the time to say hi or smile your gorgeous smile. I will never forget your kind words after the earthquake of which my dad was killed. There is something I wanted to share with you and I guess this blog is a good place:) The week your precious Abi was taken from you I cried and cried and cried for you my darling, I never cried after the earthquake (i couldn't) tears flowed freely and a couple of days after your beautiful girls funeral I ran away and walked for ten days down the beach in Australia (listening to Titanium for Abi and Whiter Shade of Pale for my Dad). My journey through life is changing and I have decided to leave all that i know and go back and live in Australia to find some peace. This will be my wild for now and I will be definitely following your blog knowing that you are such a strong inspirational very precious lady. Much love Liana xx
ReplyDeleteSally would applaud your strength, Ella would shrug, Abi would flash her eyes. All would know your love.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to thank you all, individually, for your comments - but if I do that I'll never get time to post again! Deeply appreciated, and lovely to be in such great company.
ReplyDeleteThink of you often and unfortunately through your dreadful loss we have all learnt how precious things are. Not sure about the wild side, it makes me want to live safer and hold those closest, closer. Lucy, I hope that there is beauty in nature for you and that that helps in some small way xx
ReplyDeleteDear Lucy, there are no words to do justice to the inspiration that you evoke within me. Archie and Abi were class mates for 5 years, before we moved away because of the quakes. Even though we were not 'best friends' , we shared a few G&T's around the pool side, and enjoyed the stories of all our children ( and a few dodgy wickets, guitar solos and dunks in the pool). I remember many stupid girly conversations with Abi sat in your bathroom while I cut her hair (which I have to say is just like yours but blond!). We have not been a part of your lives for a few years, but the death of Abi left a gaping hole in our hearts; I cannot imagine the whole that has been left within your heart. To witness your strength has been an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI am just beginning a new chapter in my life; I graduate in December for my nursing degree and even now, at 43 years old, there are lessons to be learnt. We should never take life for granted. I pray for my boys every day, but ever since 31st May, I try to install in them a zest for life. Never take it for granted. Life is yours for the taking, you will never know what is around the corner, and so I make them promise that they will live every moment to the fullest.
I am a believer that resilience is both an inner strength and something that evolves from adversity. My dearest Lucy and family, I know that you have the inner spirit that will see you through the darkest of days, but I also knew from the instant I heard of this terrible thing that you all had the strength and capability to soldier on. Your family has always given me something to aspire to and even through your loss, I knew you would always find a way to help and inspire others. My thoughts are with you all, and if there is ever anything I can do for any of you, please just ask. Lots of love, and huge hugs, Michelle xx
I try really hard to live each day as if it might be my last, because I never know when that last day may come. I tell the people I love that I love them and, when I get to the end of the day I put my head on my pillow (exhausted) knowing that I've done the very best I can do today to squeeze the best out of life.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm also grateful it has inspired you to start this blog.
Stay strong.
Much love.
Toni
Dear lucy, a friend shared this on Facebook so I hope its ok to comment. We dont know each other much but I worked at the marine for years while I was at uni and I also was nanny for mel and doc when molly and abi were at kindy, so I met your sweet wee girl quite a few times when she would come to play there. I so sorry this has happened, your abi was a dear wee girl.
ReplyDeleteI really feel this post about living this one life because a couple of months ago I had a spinal cord injury and was diagnosed as a complete paraplegic never to walk again. But somehow by some miricle I regained the use of my right leg so am only paralyzed in one side now which I am eternally grateful for. Iy has given me the wake up call that I have been given something that not many people in my situation are given and to waste it would be a tragedy. We do only get one wild crazy life and it sure likes to throw tough stuff at us but I am in so much admiration of you and what you wrote here. What ive been through will never compare to your loss and you are truly inspirational. I will be here trudging along this crazy journey along side you, obviously in a different way and from afar. I hope that you and your family are doing okay. Stay strong, emily
Wow, Emily, I'm stunned. Thanks for contributing, I'm looking forward to hearing your insights as to how you've coped etc. Molly and Abi in the pub hey? One of my fondest memories of Abi's childhood is phoning the pub late mornings and asking if Abi was there. Always made me chuckle. They loved each other those two, joined at the hip. Those days of the Marine seem a long long time ago now. We still miss it and you all x
DeleteThanks lucy, yes I remember taking them into the pub on the way home for a lemonade with doc! I even gave wee frances a time out there where she sat on a 15 pack of speights in the office haha! Yes they were the good days that's for sure. I ended up leaving sumner when I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder as I was young and embarrassed when I really shouldn't have been. Im in Wellington now so if you ever just need an escape for a few days my door is open.
DeleteLucy, your strength and resilience is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to hearing about your journey. You have already inspired me to get off my lazy butt and live a life less ordinary and do something I have wanted to do for years but never gotten around to. I'm going to apply to be a marriage celebrant.
Let your memories keep you warm,
Karen
Yes Lucy Yes. You did it my wonderful, funny, caring, wise, beautiful friend. You blow me away. You are just the bees and I'm so blinkin' proud of you. This is going to good.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky enough to have known you for teh past 8 years and now others can share in your gift of words, your fountain of well being, and your sound knowledge of resilience science. Yay yay yipee.
Your biggest fan, Lexi x
Lucy, you are a true inspiration, what a beautifully written blog. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Think of you often, much love Cathy xxxx
ReplyDeleteLucy, thank you. you are AMAZING. Found your blog thru a facebook friend. Looking forward to MORE!!
ReplyDeleteWhat an inspiring woman you are. I do not know you but out of your pain you have managed to make a complete stranger ponder this question, a question we all need to ask ourselves. I wish you true strength for the bad days and hope and healing for your future. I look forward to your future blogs.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a very warm hearted soulful person. Someone that others gain inspiration from. Reading this made me feel inspired. Thankyou. Flatman x
ReplyDeleteI knew you must be extraordinary people when I heard of your response to the other driver, now It's confirmed. I'm so sorry for your loss, from one mother to another, and I wish you well with your healing endeavours x
ReplyDeleteYou're such a special woman. All my love xxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you Lucy. To be honest I am lost for the right words, but you are an inspiration, and our family's thoughts and prayers are with you and your lovely family. We all miss seeing Abi's lovely smile around the village.
ReplyDeleteOli xxx
Lucy and Trevor, as I see you two going about your lives with a brave face that cannot fully hide the deep gap that now resides in your family, I am continually inspired by you both and the boys as well, as to how you have dealt with this tragedy.
ReplyDeleteFor me there is not a day that goes by when I don't think of Abi and how this tragedy would have affected my family had it been my daughter. I went to a work conference last week in Sydney, typical event where a good percentage of the attendees don't realise how good their job is and how good their life is, anyway, amongst the numerous clichés and quotes that surface at these 'feel good' events the one that really struck home from me was the following from Bono,
If you're not going to make a difference, get out of my way
Abi made a difference and continues to do so.
lots of love to you all Tony
Lucy, you are at the very beginning of your journey through loss. I am so deeply sorry that your beautiful daughter died. That your friend, and her daughter, died. All love to you through your searing pain. May your friends and family surround you with their love and embraces, and even on the days when you keen to be with your girl, may they hold your feet on the ground.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and love are with you Lucy and all your family. I met you at a Positive Psych Conference in Auckland 3 or 4 years ago...Trevor did our kitchen in Opawa. When I heard of your precious daughter's death my heart ached for you all. Much love xx
ReplyDeleteTrying to write for days - and then get frozen - so am just going to do it and say: Lucy - wonderful powerful important brave blog that will reach so many and also give us, who know you less intimately, but still care so much, a chance to let you and your family know how much you all and Abi are in our thoughts. So much to you, so so much… and Sally would have been writing it with you, urging you on. The absence as you say will always be there but they are part of us and we take that part on with us, albeit it with such pain that they are not physically joining us on lifes journey any more. Txxx
ReplyDeleteIt says 1.04am but by my clock it is currently 8.04pm!!!!
ReplyDeleteLucy, you are a wonderful brave person and an inspiration. I have thought about you so much over the past weeks and wanted to pass on my condolences to you but I haven't wanted to intrude. As we sadly don't live in Sumner any more, I haven't seen you for a while but I have such clear memories of you - mostly with your children, whether it was at the little Montessori pre-school, Kindy, or at Sumner school and always, your joy and love of your children shone through whether you were watching them at play, watching book parade, at sports day or one of the music concerts. That is the main thing that I think of when I think of you - your joy in your children. We once had a conversation about camping (funny things you remember) and you said how the best moments were when you were all snuggled up in your sleeping bags, all together, sharing stories and laughter. I often think of that when we are camping. It's true - it is such a special time and now more than ever I will make sure I appreciate every one of them. You must be very proud of your boys - they clearly have your strengh, positivity and generosity of spirit. I am going to follow your blog and share it whenever I can. I can't imagine your pain at losing Abi. I remember her as the tiniest little thing but I saw the 'grown up' Abi not so long ago. We were both waiting for someone outside EB games (of all places). I wasn't sure if she remembered me but then she gave me a smile of recognition. She truly had the most beautiful smile!
ReplyDeleteSending you and all your lovely family my love.x
Hi Lucy ,
ReplyDeleteI don't happen to know you or your beautiful girl Abi but I am the same age as her.I think your really brave writing this and it's really inspiring.This horrible thing that happened really touched me because know I realise that could be me so I should start appreciating life more. But still still every night for week after the accident I cried because I was thinking , what if it was my best friend or me ? Anyway your blog is really great and you are so brave! And I know that everybody loved them because on Instagram people keep posting pictures and saying how much they miss them .
Stay strong ,
Georgie xx
Thank you all for your comments and encouragment. It really helps. Thank you too for sharing your memories and thoughts of our dear girls as you have above. I love that x
ReplyDeleteYour story is truly inspirational I'm 11yrs old and abi looked beautiful all she wants you to do is carry on keep calm and carry on she loves you guys and your quote has made me think what I really enjoy and just think abis in paradise sharing her love with Sally and Ella no doubt Sally's probley putting them into bed when they need to be and by the way hold in there I know what it's like my mum and baby brother died in a car crash and it was hard but I stayed strong and I brought abi dots love them ur girl was beautiful hold in there xxxx��
ReplyDeleteYour story is truly inspirational I'm 11yrs old and abi looked beautiful all she wants you to do is carry on keep calm and carry on she loves you guys and your quote has made me think what I really enjoy and just think abis in paradise sharing her love with Sally and Ella no doubt Sally's probley putting them into bed when they need to be and by the way hold in there I know what it's like my mum and baby brother died in a car crash and it was hard but I stayed strong and I brought abi dots love them ur girl was beautiful hold in there xxxx��
ReplyDeleteDear Bailee, thank you for your wise words, and I'm so sad for you that you lost your mum and baby brother, that is just terrible. I'm really touched that you put abidots up and appreciate your words, in particular, that Abi would want me to keep calm and carry on. You hang in there too x
DeleteBaileeawesome - you sound so awesome - and you've been through the most awful. My thoughts are with you as you continue on. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteIn hearing of the accident that happened to your beautiful daughter and her friends I felt somewhat connected through having recently visited near the area of her death. My boyfriend then alerted to me that Abi was related to Chessie, whom I have met a couple of times - not that you probably remember me. In the times that I met you Chessie I found your warmth and inclusiveness of all people inspiring - now reading your writing, and Lucy’s too I think you are both truly amazing. I cannot begin to comprehend your loss. Abi will most definitely live on through the people that loved her most and your writing shows that. Kia Kaha and keep it up.
ReplyDelete